A Right Royal History

A brief history of English monarchs in light-hearted verse

A RIGHT ROYAL HISTORY

The kings and queens of England?
Well, it's really quite a lengthy list.
It begins with William the Conqueror,
Going back to AD Ten Sixty-Six.
They had a big battle at Hastings,
The start of the Norman Conquest.
King Harold got an arrow in his eye;
French William stood the test the best.

The Normans finally became English,
And then sallied forth on crusades,
To rid the Holy Land of unbelievers:
Campaigns that lasted for decades!
After they got sick and tired of that,
They had a spat with France. Deranged
Or what? They'd recently all been French!
How did they become so estranged?

England's history drips with blood, guts,
Torture, beheadings and gory details.
One wretched king, Edward the Second,
Had a red-hot poker stuck in his entrails.
Intrigues, plots and deeds most foul,
It was a dangerous business being king.
Your bro might appear at the midnight hour,
Stab you and make off with the royal ring.

Henry the Eighth was a strapping lad.
In his youth, he was good at sports.
He's also known for bumping off his wives;
The girls often put him out of sorts.
And he famously had a row with the Pope,
Told him we'd be Catholic no more,
Which of course didn't go down too well
And embroiled England in holy war.

Liz, his daughter, the Virgin Queen,
Was left with an almighty religious row.
France and Spain, Catholic to the core,
Were sore and on the warpath now!
The two mighty kings were apoplectic.
It means they kicked up quite a fuss:
You can't be Protestant, they screeched.
You Brits are Catholic just like us!

Finally, all that religion hoo-ha died down.
The royals got on with war and stuff,
Signing pacts, getting rich, and ruling
By Divine Right, until enough was enough.
Charles the First came to a sticky end:
They chopped off his head at Whitehall.
His nemesis was General Oliver Cromwell.
However, Ollie's jolly would shortly stall.

In 1660, Charles II ascended the throne;
It was the Restoration of royal authority.
Round about that time business boomed
And England conquered new territory.
Mad King George figured America was his,
But the Yanks kicked us out in 1776.
The unhinged monarch ranted and raved,
Stamped and raged, fretting his bits to bits.

But kings and queens lost their power
And governments began calling the shots.
The royals remained in the frame
As figureheads and emblems on teapots.
Till recently, Elizabeth II sat on the throne.
For decades and decades from her regal prime;
We thought Charlie would never get a turn.
But, finally, he did! after all that time.